The apron strings tighten

Feb 20, 1989 

I'm grounded. Debbie brought Darwin (her boyfriend) over to my house last night and we sat and watched TV. Earlier we had gone to the bowling alley to play pool (most of the time I played pinball) and dad had told me nowhere but there. Well, I didn't know that Debbie also wanted me to pick him up. I got grounded for that. Stupid, huh? Now I'm not allowed to go anywhere with Deb "ever again". I can't believe it. Less than a month from my 19th birthday and I'm grounded. It ain't FAIR! Deb is the only friend I have left here and now I can't even go places with her. I can not WAIT to move out! But til then... I guess I'll just have to suffer. Y'know, I think the folks are tightening their grips again.

June 3, 1989 

I'm tired. I took Josh and Trav to graduation last night. And I have another sitting job lined up for tonight, which mom wants me to cancel. But I NEED the money. All I have left is $37. That's it. And after that's gone, that's it, no more. I really need to get a job and find my own place. If I don't get out soon, I'm gonna go crazy. Mom keeps tightening her strings. And I'm about to die from strangulation. I have GOT to find a decent place to live, a good paying job and a halfway decent car so I can quietly move out. Something tells me that that's the only way I will be able to get out. Sigh. I thought parents were supposed to be HAPPY about finally getting rid of their kids, not scheming to try to keep them. I think ma has a serious problem. 

June 8, 1989 

Y'know, I don't believe that mom is ever gonna let go. It's really driving me crazy.

7:14pm

I wish (I wish! I wish!!! But they never come true!!) that she would try to understand. But NO MATTER WHAT!!! I AM moving out in September. I'm gonna work my butt off to earn enough money to get my own place. But then I'll have to find a job in Tri-Cities.

June 21, 1989

I keep thinking about the phrase I wrote on the cover: "A wish is a desire without an attempt." I wish I could move to Tri-Cities but if I make the attempt, Mom will get mad. *Sigh!* There's no winning no matter what I do. Too bad I don't still have to go to Pasco every day. I miss going every day. If I was there, I could call this number and check it out. I doubt the folks would let me do it long distance and if it didn't work out, the number would still be on the bill and Mom would give me the third degree about it. Why can't she just let me go?!? She wants to get rid of me so badly but she WON'T LET GO!!! Why couldn't I have been born to a more understanding mom? Why does she have to make it so hard on me. It's slowing droving me CRAZY! But what can I Do? If I don't try for it, I'm a lazy bum. If I do try for it, I'm a big meanie who doesn't love my mommy and daddy. I GIVE UP!

June 22, 1989 

ARGH! I wish I could call about the house keeping job! I think it would be good for me, I could get OUT of Othello, WA. But would Mom let me move? I doubt it. 

July 5, 1989 

I've GOT to get out. They're both driving me crazy. And now my car is acting funny so I couldn't just load up a bunch of my stuff and leave. I just can't seem to get out of this rut that they keep pulling me into. I NEED to get out of Othello. If it wasn't for school, I'd go live with Cortina, but since she might be moving to Hawaii with her cousins... that's out. If I could just find a live in housekeeping job... but I'd have to call long distance. And I know that as soon as mom finds out, she'll try to tell me that it's not a good idea. I hate her! I hate her for always trying to keep me here. I am NOT her slave. But how can I get out? Without money, it's almost impossible. And with a busted down car, it's even more impossible. I feel like a prisoner. What am I saying?!? I AM a prisoner! There's no way out!

1:52pm

I want to do something that I'd be happy with. But she just can't understand that. I try and she shoots me down. I went and applied for that job at Cabana (motel) and the lady told me that they might have to hire someone else since I'll be going back to school in Sept. I need to get a job in the Tri-cities. That way I can go to school and still work. But mom is so damn selfish. She wants me to stay here in the Hell-hole. Why can't she just let me go? WHY?!?!

----------------

I wasn’t allowed to call long distance. If a number showed up on the bill, guess what? Yup. Grounded.

And once classes were over and it was summer break, I was once again forced to stay home. I looked around for a job in town, but once they figured out that I would be quitting in September to go back to college, they weren’t interested. I wound up working out at Bruce again, packaging potatoes. $3.35 an hour, time and a half if it went into over time. And there was quite a bit of over time. I managed to make about $3,000 that summer, enough to move out.

And guess who wasn’t happy about that?

My mother most definitely was NOT wanting me to move out. 

Still in her clutches

December 30, 1988

Boy I am so mad I can spit bullets! I'm gonna have to wait until next weekend to move, probably (because Debra has already left), I'm sicker than a cow.
I'm getting pissed off at her !!! She won't make the kids behave and they are totally demolishing the house. They keep coming in here and I'm getting VERY disgusted!! Dammit! Max KNEW that those kids were sick, but she came anyhow. She also knew that I was trying to move before the 3rd. But she still came. She came in here yesterday and asked me "Aren't you supposed to be moved before the 3rd?" I told her "Yes, but before I move I have to take care of all the paperwork. That's what we were planning on taking care of this weekend, the paperwork." 

Jan 2, 1989

Mom and Dad don't think that I should move yet.

Well, so much for that. I tried to talk it over with my mom again... I guess you can figure out what she said.

Feb 1, 1989 

I HATE that bitch! She absolutely REFUSES that I go to school today! Well, whoopee fucking do! If I could, I'd take my car. But I think dad took the damn thing to work. Mom (the BITCH) won't let me use her car, "No way in hell!" But Mommy dear, you bitch, we aren't in hell. It's 20 degrees below zero, how CAN we be in Hell? You bitch.

I wish I had went ahead and moved.
I'd have more time for drama (In other words, I could try out for plays!) and also, I wouldn't have to put up with the bitch whenever the weather got a little cold. I'd be right there close, and there wouldn't be ANY excuse not to go except that I might be sick. I wish Max had never come. I'd be down there by now and I wouldn't have to live with this bitch who thinks she knows every fucking thing there is to know. I wouldn't have to listen to her "OH MY GOD! it is SO BAD out there!" And it's only cloudy.
Shit, if I stayed home every fucking time it was cloudy, I'd NEVER make it. It's all her fault I'm missing today. If she had just let me move... I wouldn't be here. The BITCH. I hate her fucking guts. It's not even that bad outside. So it's snowing. Big deal. I can't let a few measly snowflakes ruin my life. Here she comes (the bitch). I think I'll try to lose myself in a book. Either that, or I could kill the bitch. I wonder if I could finish college from prison?

Feb 3, 1989 

I'll kill her before the weekend is over if she doesn't chill out. I SWEAR it! I haven't been to school since Tuesday. One more day and I'll be dropped. Mom doesn't think it's any big deal; that I could just start all over. But it's not that easy. I'd have to pay back the financial aid AND pay for next quarter myself. I don't have that kind of money. If I did, I wouldn't be worried about financial aid. Y'know, I think mom would be HAPPY if I dropped out of school, or was kicked out. She would absolutely LOVE it!! She always has been jealous of me. I HATE it when she gets so darn jealous of me. 

Feb 5, 1989 

Well, it looks like I get to go to school tomorrow. FINALLY! I can't WAIT!

The thing of it is: Mom doesn't want me to work. If I keep taking days off, they're gonna fire me. Then I'll have to search around for another job. She just doesn't understand the importance of a job. She thinks I can survive on nothing. I wish it were true. Save me some money! But it's not true. By far! But what am I to do? Nothing. Because as long as I'm living under her roof, I have to abide by her rules. Boy, I can't WAIT to move out! IF she ever lets me. I came so close this last time. But thanks to Max and the stooges, that chance is long gone. 

Feb 6, 1989 

Oh, why can't mom realize that I'm not a child anymore? I should be able to make MY OWN decisions! But she won't let me and it's beginning to piss me off. She doesn't realize how important that job is to me. She wants me to take another week off! I couldn't believe it when she said last night, "Now, you are to get right home after your last class! None of this working or fooling around." I wish so much that I could move out. But I know she's not going to let me, now. I will be forever stuck in her clutches. It's hopeless. If I ever get married, she'll probably move in with us... I wouldn't put it past her to want to sleep in the same room!

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Hindsight being 20/20, I now realize that it was probably my mother's doing that Maxine and the Three Stooges came to stay with us that weekend. Yes, Maxine knew that I needed to get things lined up to move out, but our mother convinced her to come as an excuse to avoid my moving. And Maxine, being in the same narcissist’s web, had to do as she was told/demanded to stay on the good side of our mother. She was a flying monkey.

In the last blog entry I started to explain how my mother would find excuses for me to not go to college. Feb 1st of 1989, Othello was hit with a snow storm. It was decently bad, I will admit that. But it was localized. The weather reports from Tri-Cities didn't mention snow. When I did finally get to go back to school on Feb 6th, the snow line was at Scootney Park, a whopping 12 miles outside of town.
 

When I tried to explain to my teachers that I had been snowed in and that my mother wouldn't let me leave the house, they looked at me in disbelief. One teacher scoffed at me and said, "You let you mother rule your life? GROW UP!" I thought to myself, "You don't know my mother."

My mother didn't like that I also had a job through Work Study/Financial Aid. She insisted that I skip work to get home as soon as my last class was done. Not only did that mess up my Financial Aid, I didn't have time to use the college resources to do my school work nor did I have time to talk to teachers for some extra help. I suck at math and algebra is NOT my friend. I barely passed that class because I couldn't talk to the teacher for extra help or get extra tutoring. I would tell my mother this, but she INSISTED that I get home "so I don't worry!"

She would have loved it if I had thrown in the towel with college. I stuck with it, though, because I knew there was nothing in my hometown for me. I didn't want to be stuck in a minimum wage dead-end job that went no where. I wanted more education, more training, more LIFE. 

 “A narcissistic mother wants complete and total control over her daughter’s life, especially when the daughter is at the point in life when she wants to establish independence and autonomy. Her narcissistic mother will sabotage her daughter’s freedom any chance she can. She is ruthless and relentless.”

“There are different ways narcissistic mothers keep their daughters dependent on them to maintain this source of narcissistic supply. Below are two common tactics of the narcissistic parent.”

“Parentification: The narcissistic mother expects her daughter to take care of her when it should be the other way around. The daughter is made to feel responsible for the mother’s physical and emotional needs. These needs can range from an unfair share of cooking and cleaning to playing therapist while her mother talks about her relationships, sex life, and other issues. These are much bigger roles than any child should have to take on, but a narcissistic mother does not care. She only cares about her own wants and needs.”

“Infantilization: Never being allowed to explore her own autonomy, her daughter is kept vulnerable, naive, and scared of the world and being on his or her own. A narcissistic mother will brainwash her child into thinking the world is a cruel place in which one would never be able to survive on one’s own. This leads a child to never feel safe and fear leaving the support of the narcissistic mother, even though they may be miserable.”

http://www.narcissisticmother.com/daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers

My mother was more in the “Infantilization” camp. She most definitely did NOT want me to move out. 

Cemeteries and Spies

September, 5, 1988 10:38 pm

I can't wait til I can get my own place. Mom and Dad were getting on my case because Jean and I went for a walk. We left around 5:00 pm and didn't get back until 7:45 pm or so. I had hoped that the folks were starting to realize that I'm old enough to more or less be "on my own". Well, my dream was shattered today.

Sept 16, 1988 5:52 pm

I can't wait until I start <college> because mom doesn't know anyone there she can ask to spy on me. But, give her credit and time, she'll find someone. I wish I could afford my own place. Mom has really been getting on my case lately. She expects me to be so damn perfect. I wouldn't be so screwed up about leaving home if it weren't for her. Thanks, mom! I've got to find a VERY good hiding place for this. If she were to ever get a hold of it, she'd probably send me to a Christian Girl's School.

November, 13, 1988 6:02 pm

God, I hate my mom right now. I lost the gas cap to my car and she's having a cow. I feel so sorry for my dad right now. He's having to listen to her gripe. See, I'm supposed to take my car to school tomorrow <college was an hour drive away> so mom can have her car to meet Max in Moses Lake. I feel so awful, though. She doesn't think it will make it without a gas cap. Dad put the bottom part of a pop can on it and it seems to be working. Just for tomorrow it should be okay. We went out looking for it, but couldn't find it anywhere. Yep, she's still complaining. I'm in my room with my headphones turned up to almost full blast so I can't hear her unless I take them off.

November, 27, 1988 8:17 pm

Ya know, I really do think my mom is jealous of me. I think she WOULD like me to quit school <college>. But I'm not going to. No way!

Decemebr 5, 1988 8:11 am

Oh, God, what a day today is going to be. I will REALLY be shocked if mom and I don't kill each other by the end of the day. I should be about 15 miles away from Pasco right now. But thanks to the weather, I get to put up with my sweet mommy for the day. Oh, God, get me OUT of this house!! PLEASE !!! I can't STAND listening to her one more time: "I even called the police station, and they said it is REALLY bad out there!!!!" Arrggghhhh!!!!! <It was snowing, and she didn’t think I should go to school, though my Dad went to work in it.>

December 10, 1988 8:05 am

Well, we're going to see my (hopefully) future home. I think Mom is in a bad mood, but at least Jean is going. She'll help keep the peace.

6:47 pm

I think I should go for it. Mom didn't like it <the apartment> because it wasn't very clean (it needs a good vacuuming) and because of this and because of that; you know how mom is. 

Uh oh, Mom is "discussing" with Dad again. She wants me to be closer to school yet she doesn't want her baby to move out either. It's times like these when I hate her. Why did I have to have mom for a mother? And why can't she just quietly let go. Because I am the youngest. I have to learn how to live on my own somehow. And why can't she let me fulfill my dreams? Because she never had hers come true? It's not MY fault she was married and pregnant at the ripe old age of 15.

_____________________________

My mother had spies all through out town. How do I know this? People talked. How did I avoid it? Easy... go where there are no eyes: My haunting ground was the cemetery. Good old Bess Hampton Memorial Garden. Hardly anyone ever went out there. Most thought it was creepy to hang out there. Not me. It was quiet, cool in the shade and no one bothered me.
Mostly I would sit on my Papa's grave and either read a library book or write in my journal.

To get out to the cemetery unnoticed, I would take a round about route. I mostly knew who the spies were, where they lived, their schedule, etc. It wasn't hard to know all this in a town of about 5,000 people.

So I lost the gas cap to my Gremlin. How many other people have lost the gas cap? Quite a few. Did the car blow up? No. Was I able to get a new one? Yes. Was it the end of the world? According to my mother it was. Again, she took it personally, as if I did it on purpose, just to make her life miserable. 

She hated that I drove an hour to college and would find reasons to keep me home. She hated that I was going to college!
"It's raining too hard!"
"It's snowing too hard!"
"It's below freezing!"
"It's too windy!"

What she didn't understand was that Tri-Cities didn't necessarily have the same weather going on. She would look outside, see three snowflakes and declare that the entire eastern side of the state was in a blizzard, when in reality, 7 miles out of town, there wasn't any snow. 

In the next post, you'll see what I'm talking about.

I was so screwed up about moving out on my own. I knew I didn't have all the skills needed to move out (I barely knew how to cook and run the washer because she wouldn't let me do those chores), but I also knew I needed to get AWAY from her.
At first, when I set up appointments to go look at places, she would sabotage it.
She would “forget” that we had an appointment. So I’d make another appointment.
Then she would get sick. So I’d make another appointment.

She would call around asking anyone if they needed me to babysit and schedule me at the same time as the appointment. So I’d make another appointment.

And her last ditch effort was to invite people over.
After that, she knew she couldn’t get out of it.
BUT, no matter what place we went to look at for my future home, it just was not good enough.
"I don't want you to have roommates!"
"This place is FILTHY!"
"I saw a spider web! I bet that place is INFESTED with bugs!"
"That place didn't have (a washer/dryer, dishwasher, AC, carpeting, etc)!"
"I didn't like the looks of the neighborhood!"
"It's too far away from the college!"

Looking back, I can see she was jealous. She had a baby at 15, 17 and 18 and was divorced by 21. If she treated her first husband the same way she treated me, I can understand why he left. It's tough to live with someone who nit picks you to death.

She had to grow up and FAST. A mother can't be selfish; the baby has to come first most of the time. She never got the chance to be a teenager. So when I hit 15, she just did NOT understand me. She lived vicariously through me, seeing everything that she missed- hanging out with friends, going to parties, living a mostly carefree life. 

At one point, she lamented that she never graduated. So I offered to help her get her GED. I don't remember where I got the study books from, but two pages in, she threw it down and declared she was just too stupid. I felt pity for her. And frustration. Dad was the one that taught me to not give up when it got tough. I didn't learn that from her. I'm just glad I didn't learn how to give up from her. 

Thank you, Dad, for teaching me to persevere and not give up when the going got tough.

If it weren't for him, I would probably still be living at home, under her thumb. 

Characteristics of a narcissistic mother

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html 

1. Everything she does is deniable

2. She violates your boundaries

3. She favoritizes

4. She undermines

5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates

6. She makes you look crazy.

7. She's envious

8. She's a liar in too many ways to count.

9. She has to be the center of attention all the time.

10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain.

11. She's selfish and willful.

12. She's self-absorbed.

13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism.

14. She terrorized.

15. She's infantile and petty.

16. She's aggressive and shameless.

17. She "parentifies."

18. She's exploitative.

19. She projects.

20. She is never wrong about anything.

21. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings.

22. She blames.

23. She destroys your relationships.

24. As a last resort she goes pathetic.