Back History

In May of 1990, I had become engaged to a guy named Eric who, henceforth, will be referred to as Dipshit. As time went on, I realized he was not the guy for me.

Eric was a charmer, and once he had me charmed, he moved himself into my apartment. He didn’t drive and didn’t even have a license, which should have been a huge warning flag right there. He didn’t have a job and still lived at home with his parents and two brothers, one of which was married. More warning flags. I just did NOT pay attention.

Dipshit liked to party. Partying was never my scene. He wanted to smoke, drink and sleep around. I was not interested in that. So when his friends invited him to a party, he would encourage me to “go do something fun with Martin”, whom I had met on July 19, 1990.

One day in August, I’d had enough. Enough of the partying, smoking (he KNEW I was asthmatic and would purposely try to kiss me after smoking a cigarette), drinking and sleazing around. He called me to come pick him up from work. I told him “No. Call your mother” and hung up on him.

He called back, begging me, then threatened to kill himself. I called his work and told them what he was threatening to do. He was fired, his mother came and got him and I started packing his shit up to get it out of my apartment. I called my parents and Martin and they all came to help.

I’m going to go briefly back in time… in high school I dated a Hispanic guy. He’s a nice guy and we’ve been in touch a few times since graduation.   

During the summer of 1989 I dated an African American guy. Found out he was scum because he was engaged to another woman while dating me. I put a stop to that relationship immediately.
In my first year of college I dated a Vietnamese guy. At first, he was a charmer… then he showed his true colors and I broke up with him.

All throughout this dating, my mother would have apoplectic fits, not only because I was dating, but because I wasn’t dating anyone WHITE.

So… when she met blond haired, blue eyed Martin, she took me aside and muttered, “Oh, I LIKE this one!” 

 

July 20, 1991 I married Martin. My mother insisted on making my dress. Fine by me. I would have been content getting married in jeans and a t-shirt. I didn’t care what I was wearing because I was marrying my best friend! But she wanted the fame and glory of making my dress and the skirts for the Bridesmaids. 

In September of 1991, we found out I was pregnant. Kelsie arrived 9 weeks early in January.

Walking down the hallway with me in the hospital the day after Kelsie was born, my mother told me that someone had started a rumor that I had delivered early because I had overdosed on drugs.

Yes, you read that right. 

Supposedly, I overdosed.

The only drugs in my system at Kelsie’s birth were the drugs the doctor had ordered to stop my labor. When those drugs made me vomit uncontrollably, dehydrating me and putting huge amounts of stress on Kelsie, the doctor ordered them to be stopped. “If the baby comes, the baby comes. We’ll deal with it if it happens” is what he said.

Looking back, I now suspect it was my own dear, sweet, kind, loving MOTHER who started the rumor.

 

While Kelsie was in the NICU, my mother didn’t come very often to visit. The NICU nurses only wanted parents to come in and not other relatives in order to keep germs to a minimum.

 

8 weeks after we took her home, Kelsie came down with meningitis. She was air lifted by airplane to Spokane. My mother INSISTS that she was taken by helicopter, but she wasn’t there when they took Kelsie. The helipad at the hospital was under construction and we signed a release saying she would be taken by air plane. My mother also INSISTS that Kelsie was transported back by helicopter. I know she was on an airplane because I WAS WITH HER.

 

While Kelsie was in Spokane, my mother stayed with her for hours, holding her, rocking her and singing to her. Now, you would think that this was done out of love.
Nope.
This was done for attention. Kelsie was in a pediatric ward with three other beds. Lots of parents and nurses constantly in and out of the room, so LOTS of attention. Many people commented on how sweet my mother was to just sit there to hold and rock Kelsie, and sing to her. 

If only they had known the truth.

After Kelsie was transported back, she went back into the NICU. Our favorite nurse there had a lot of fun with Kelsie, as you can see in the picture above. 

In June we moved across the state to the Seattle area so Martin could go to college. As stressful as it was to move so far away, in hindsight, it was a blessing. It got me farther away from my mother.

From 1991 to 1998 we traveled to visit since Dad's health was getting worse and long trips were starting to take a toll on him. We would allow my folks to have Kelsie for a week or so at a time.

Kelsie and I were at odds with each other. I am most definitely an introvert and she is an extrovert which meant she had the desire to be around someone CONSTANTLY. And I didn’t have anyone who would babysit her for long. After just a few sessions, the babysitter would quit. I had a couple mom friends that would take her for play dates, but that didn't last, either.

Getting an entire week away from her was extremely helpful. I didn’t realize now that my mother was doing the same things to Kelsie that she had done to me. And because of that, I now fear that Kelsie has PTSD issues from emotional abuse.

In 1995, my dad had a silent heart attack at work. Because he wasn’t getting enough oxygen to his brain, he wasn’t thinking clearly and decided to climb a telephone pole without his hard hat on. He was caught and his boss fired him. She had been looking for some excuse to fire him anyway. Dad went to the doctor, got diagnosed, and fought the firing. He won, but his work career was over because his health started to decline.

I don’t have many journal entries about my folks until 1998.

Contact by phone was limited because long distance was expensive. And it was a 3 hour drive to their house.

Characteristics of a narcissistic mother

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html 

1. Everything she does is deniable

2. She violates your boundaries

3. She favoritizes

4. She undermines

5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates

6. She makes you look crazy.

7. She's envious

8. She's a liar in too many ways to count.

9. She has to be the center of attention all the time.

10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain.

11. She's selfish and willful.

12. She's self-absorbed.

13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism.

14. She terrorized.

15. She's infantile and petty.

16. She's aggressive and shameless.

17. She "parentifies."

18. She's exploitative.

19. She projects.

20. She is never wrong about anything.

21. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings.

22. She blames.

23. She destroys your relationships.

24. As a last resort she goes pathetic.