The accusations continue

Oct 3, 1987  11:53pm
Oh, great. I just got a poor work slip in Spanish class. I have trouble remembering the words but mom thinks I'm goofing off in class. How the heck can I goof off in class when I have no one in class to goof off WITH?!? I wish I could get Senor to explain to them that I have troubles. But mom expects me to be perfect and I'm NOT. 

Oct 8, 1987 7:34pm
I got a poor work slip in Spanish. Mom doesn't understand that I'm trying my hardest. She expects me to be perfect... and I'm NOT!

Oct 15, 1987 6:15pm
Oh, boy, you're gonna LOVE this one! Mom thinks I'm pregnant with Keith's baby! Isn't that funny? Considering the farthest Keith and I went was kissing. I heard them talking and mom said that I am several days late with my period, which is true. As a matter of fact I think I'm a month late. Oh, well, if she wants to think I would go that far with a guy I hardly even know then let her! Besides, if I confront her with it, she won't believe me. Does she EVER believe me? No.

Nov 9, 1987 8:50 pm
Boy is mom ever in a pissy mood tonight! Why did I have to have her for a mother anyway? She's really sweet when she wants to be, but she's also an asshole when she gets in the mood. I guess I shouldn't have asked her for any help for the play. She really doesn't want to help, so I tried to offer to sew it myself. And she got all pissed off! Now how do you like them apples?!? ARGH! Why ME? And she expects me to be so damned perfect!
10:34pm 
You know something? I think mom is jealous of me because I'm finishing school and planning going to college. I wish she wasn't that way, but... what can I do??

Nov 10, 1987 7:16pm
Why does mom have to be so damned disagreeable? If I make one simple mistake, she acts like it's the end of the world. If I forget something, I better watch out. But if SHE forgets something, boy, it's just hunky-dorry. Why does she expect me to be so perfect when SHE isn't? I can't wait until I move out. 
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The accusations continue about what I am doing at school. How would she know I was goofing off in class when she wasn't even there?  The first half of the year I didn't have any friends in Spanish Class. And if I DID have a friend in that class, Senor Rodriguez would have jumped for joy because a lot of his curriculum was getting us to SPEAK the language. He WANTED us to talk in class. I was getting poor grades because I didn't have anyone to talk to! The teacher I had for first year Spanish didn't want us to talk in class, just do the lessons in the book, which is why to this day I can read Spanish pretty well, but I can't speak it. 

Yes, she claimed I was pregnant. NEWSFLASH! I was still a VIRGIN.
Did she believe me?
NO.


  2. She violates your boundaries. She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs. You have never known what it is like to have privacy in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she goes through your things regularly. She asks nosy questions, snoops into your email/letters/diary/conversations. 

 She was always, ALWAYS wanting to know about my periods, bowel movements, anything to do with my bodily functions. 

When I was 13, before I started keeping a journal, I remember when I started my period for the first time. This is a painful memory- bear with me.
First off, she was NOT the one that taught me about menstruation and puberty. No, I learned all that from a pamphlet handed out at school. And when I wanted to talk about it, she would change the subject.

When I did actually start my period, I asked her for a pad. She went bonkers, called the doctor and set up an appointment "just to make SURE!”

At the doctor's, she INSISTED he give me a pelvic exam. 

While she watched.

And she asked him if I was a virgin.
He said he couldn’t tell because I ride my bicycle a lot (our doctor lived on our street and would see me out riding).
That's not the worst of it.

After the doctor confirmed that yes, I started my period, we were exiting the room and my mother announced to EVERYONE in the hallway that "My baby got her PERIOD! My baby is GROWING UP!"
 
I just wanted a hole to open up and swallow me. She went on and on during the entire walk through the clinic, announcing to anyone who looked her way. I was so embarrassed. My heart still races just thinking about it and that was 30+ years ago.

My periods were irregular, so much so that the doctor eventually put me on a birth control pill. Thank goodness. Bleeding for three weeks at a time made me so anemic that I couldn't hardly do anything or think straight. But of course, being on the pill created even more of a rift with my mother. She tightened the apron strings even further. Not quite sure what she was thinking, maybe that I'd go out and sleep with every guy I could? 

4. She undermines.  
Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn't come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it's no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn't as much as you could have done or as you think it is. She undermines you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. She acts put out if she has to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you.

She hated that I was in Drama Club and acted in plays.

She hated that I was in Speech and Debate and traveled to tournaments in Seattle and Tacoma.
 


She hated that I was in Zero Hour Jazz Choir.
 

She hated that I was in Chorus. 

 

She would pick and choose when she wanted to be helpful. If she felt there was something in it for her (like recognition for creating a costume), then she was all for it. But if it meant I was traveling for the weekend, holy crap, watch out for the attitude. She was mad because she knew she couldn't control me when I was away.

She would make up infractions so she could punish me by taking away a tournament trip.

I LOVED going to tournaments, mostly because I was away from her. Oh, she would give me the list of what not to do- smoke, drink, party, go off with strangers, watch out for the bogey man, so on and so forth. Which was stupid because I didn't smoke, drink or party already. That's not my life style. Never has been, never will be. Yet she treated me like I was this horrid person who did all these things.