Dad’s last days

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Dad’s kidneys started to shut down from the Type 2 Diabetes.

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July 20th 2006

Mom called on Tuesday in tears. She said she could smell death on Dad. She also said she didn't think Dad would make it to Friday

July 30th 2006
I am back in Othello. Dad has really declined. He’s not eating or drinking water, his feet are so big. Mom is in pain and is going to try to talk to the doctor about it.

Maxine somehow pissed off mom so Mom called me to come help her.

Mom is changing dad's depends. He pooped, poor guy. We had just tucked him into bed. And the puppy is barking.

It is 10:47 p.m. and we need to be up at 6 a.m. to get Dad to his appointment at 9 a.m. I've been only getting 5 hours of sleep the last few days and I'm already worn down. Not good.

10:52 p.m. I got called away. I've been running pretty much non-stop. I had to lie down at 3 p.m. for a nap; I just couldn't stand it anymore. I'm so off schedule with everything. And Mom says she understands the concept of taking care of herself in order to take care of him, but sometimes she's not able to. My hat is totally off to her. There is no way I could do this day after day and not crack.

The insurance agent is coming tomorrow at noon. Maybe we can somehow get Mom some help. The only help that's really available though, is hospice. Mom says they just take vitals and help with baths.

I had to call the police department about the dog barking next door. They actually sent an officer! Mom really needs to learn that you will get more with honey than vinegar. She’s never learned to not hurt someone. oh well at least I have figured it out

Max is pissed. She told me some things and I can see her side of it, but she doesn't see the side where she's a lot like Mom and harps and blabs a lot, too. I love living in a big town where I am anonymous. I can't wait to get home. I'm home sick.

August 1st 2006

I am so freaking tired. I laid down for a minute and fell right to sleep. I couldn't help it. I don't know how mom is doing this. And there is no help for Mom. There is a company to call for in-home care, but Mom says it's expensive and all they do is take vitals and help with bathing.

I can't be here constantly! I just can't! I have a family and a job. Lord, please help me figure out what to do

Poor Dad just pooped his pants. Mom is so tired that she’s just kind of whining at him. and she keeps going on and on about Max and Max thinks she hasn't done anything wrong, even though she keeps blabbity blabbing all over town everything she's told.

I have tried so hard to keep out the poison, the harping, The Whining, the griping, or bitching and pissing and moaning. It’s so hard when it's coming at you constantly and you're tired and hungry and you can't pee and poop when you need to. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! This should be a prison camp. My God, this is hard! It would honestly be a blessing if Dad would die in his sleep tonight. It really would, but then Mom would be a complete basket case,

9:55 p.m.

We actually got dad in bed early. Amazing. I'm going to drop in about a minute. I called Martin and cried on his shoulder. Poor guy, nothing he can do. Told him that I apologize ahead of time because when I get home I will be crabby and cranky and whiny but I will try to leave the Martyr and bitchiness behind. Told him that it's like a poison that's trying to get into my body and it's hard to keep it away especially when I'm tired hungry have to pee and have to poop okay off to bed.

August 2nd 2006

My Poor Dad he pooped in his depends and didn't realize it. mom is in there saying, “Oh, my God!” That's got to hurt him. It breaks my heart. He won't let me help at all because he's still got his pride. At least he lets me help transfer him, cook his food, help with his meds, taking blood, and he let me give him his insulin shot yesterday.

There is no help to get for Mom. There’s one company that offers in home health care and Mom says they came after dad had the lung surgery to help and all they did was take vitals and help with the bath. They were also very expensive, plus you have to pay them mileage because they travel from Moses Lake.

I just trimmed dad's fingernails and three toenails. His toenails were curling around and growing into his toes. I caught them before they broke the skin.

August 7th 2006

Dad was put in the hospital on Friday. It’s Monday and as far as I know he is still there. Mom’s been calling every day. She’s feeling some better, has a UTI and the doctor took her off that one medication. She sprained her ankle when she twisted it and has a bone spur on her heel. And that other doctor wouldn't listen to her. Dr. Bunch also said something about her labs to make her worried but I don't know what.

August 8th 2006

Mom just called. They want to put dad in the nursing home and Mom is freaking out. If he goes directly from the hospital to the home, Medicare will pay for the first 100 days, but if Dad goes home and then Mom realizes she can't take care of him, they would have to pay for the nursing home and dad didn't sign up for long-term care insurance. I told Mom to go to the nursing home and, if it's disgusting like when Granny was there, then tell them no and why.

 

August 11th 2006

Dad asked for me, so I drove here to Othello last night. Got in at 12:30 this morning, dropped into bed, and slept two or three hours before I had to get up to pee, then I couldn't get to sleep because the dog was barking. Spent most of the day at the hospital and came here for food and a nap this afternoon.

Dr. Bunch said that dad's kidneys have more or less shut down, that there's a small percentage working but not enough to really live off of. Dad wants to do dialysis but getting him there and back 3 times a week… Medicare will pay for 80% and their supplemental insurance will cover the last 20%, but transportation is a problem. He would have to go to Spokane to see a kidney doctor first, and then get set up to travel to Moses Lake 3 times a week. He wants to fight but I asked him if he realizes that even with dialysis that he would still be bedridden. He nodded yes.

August 12th 2006 10:26 p.m.

She’s like poison! All her negative talk… I swear this woman could not ever be happy about anything! She guilt-trips, she does the martyr act, she whines, and carries on… I hate it when she cries, “OH GOD!”  I simply hate it! Would God want to listen to a whiner?!?

I'm not sure what will happen. I told Mom that maybe she needs to tell Dad that it's okay for him to go, that she will be ok without him, but she won't… or can't. She keeps telling him that she misses him and wishes he were back home.

I wish she would quit harping on and on about stuff! I know she doesn't like the Mexicans and I know she hates the neighbors and I know she's pissed at Max and the rest of the crew, but she doesn't need to tell me a million times over!

I'm going stark raving loony! I've got to escape and soon! She’s hinting that I stay until Monday.

I need to ask Dr. Bunch if there's anything we can do. I love Dad and I don't want to see him suffer like this. If there's any way we can help him… but there is! Mom needs to tell him that it's ok to go and he needs to hear it from her, not me! He already knows that I'm okay. I think he's worried about her.

August 13th 2006 1:15 a.m.

I was just putting on my jammies after writing this and the phone rang. it was dad's nurse saying he was asking for Mom. that was about 10:45 p.m. I just now came back. I have got to get some sleep. And of course mom did the guilt trip: “I'll be okaaaaay… you go ahead….  I'll be just fine…..”

Mom thinks that he's getting close, but he's been like the Energizer Bunny- going and going and going.

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Memory flash back:

It was Sunday the 13th. My mother had just left Dad’s room, upset, because he had warned her to stay away from Maxine, Bob and Anita. He told her that he didn’t trust them. After my mother left, he said he was worried about leaving her. I promised him that I would take care of her. He nodded, sighed and relaxed.

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August 14th 2006 12:16 a.m.

Dad is not getting dialysis, thank goodness. He wouldn't have lasted through the first round. He has progressed to shallow breathing and they're giving him morphine for pain. he was responsive earlier, and he told Mom, “I want to go, but I don't want to go.” mom asked, “go where?” and he replied, “heaven.” mom told him that it was okay to go and that she would be okay without him. He said he knew that. So at least he knows.

Kelsie called earlier and wanted to talk to Papa. I told her that he couldn't talk, and she said she wanted to tell him that she loved him. So I held the phone to his ear. Boy, his eyes popped open and he said, “Hi! I love you!” and became unresponsive again. I'm glad she called.

The morphine is making him itch. He keeps reaching up to scratch his head. Mom’s napping on a hide-a-bed and I'm on another, but I couldn't sleep, so I decided to write.

I'm so glad that we're letting nature take its course. I just wish it would hurry up so he doesn't have to suffer any more. Mom has cried herself out for now and so have I. I'm sure there will be more tears later.

I've started writing a list of who to call and things we need to do and take care of. It’s by no means complete, but it's a good start. It will be my brain for a while. I will want to rewrite it and sort the call list from the rest of the list, but I might wait a bit. I don't know how close he is.

Max McCombs came at Dad's request and said a prayer with us. Dad said “Amen” at the end. Mom didn't hear it. I'm so glad she hasn't gone into hysterics. I hope she doesn't when he finally dies. I hope she doesn't when I have to leave to go home. She said that she has never lived alone.

I dread making the phone calls. I dread that more than him finally dying.

I went into the ER this morning I had noticed that I was feeling like I needed to pee more often but not much would come out, and when I woke up I had some pain. So I went to the ER and it was a faint positive, so the doctor gave me meds to last 24 hours and a prescription to fill in the morning.

I really hope that he dies tonight or in the morning. they may tell us that our time is up and we would have to move him to the nursing home or take him home. I'm not sure how I would handle watching him die at home. I really don't. I'm afraid I might lose it. I really hope he goes before they come in and tell us time is up.

I keep looking at him hoping that he has stopped breathing. I just want it to end. Please, Lord, take him home soon. I love him too much to watch this much longer.

10:02 p.m. still August 14th

It’s over. He went fairly peacefully at 4:40 this morning. It was so hard watching him go, but I couldn't look away. In my heart and mind I was cheering him on.

There was one time where he had stopped breathing and you could see him shutting down. Mom started crying hard and loud and all of a sudden he started breathing again. I tried to reassure her that it was just a reflex, but she thinks he heard her crying and tried to come back. That part was heart-wrenching, but he finally stopped breathing for good and his eyes flickered and then he was gone. Very quiet and peaceful.

Mom’s doing pretty well. I'm following her lead when she's strong enough, and holding her up when she is not. As for me I'm exhausted. I've had only 3 hours of sleep in I don't know how long. I talked mom into bed she kept trying to do this and that and distracting herself. She wants to keep busy, which is fine, but we need to rest, too. Nights are going to be hard for her. I have got to get to bed.

 

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Out of everything that woman ever did, keening and wailing, "What's gonna happen to MEEEEEE" as my dear, sweet father took his last breath, then tried to come back when he heard her is the absolute most AWFUL thing she could have done. My Dad was DYING and all she could think about was herself.