2008- Creating Storms and a letter from the Nhalf-brother

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*WARNING*
I am using software to track who reads this blog.
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September 9, 2008

She wants to move over here. Sigh... I won't be free. She'll have me over every day if she can manage it. And I will fall into the negativity and drown. Sigh... I want her closer so I can help her. But not so close that she will take over my time. Sigh... Not sure what to do.

September 29, 2008
Went with Mom to the RA doctor. Her SED rate is 12- yay. He left her on the 5mg of Prednisone and won't try her on anything else until February. Dr. Bunch prescribed her some anxiety meds, but she hasn't taken any. 

 

 October 21, 2008
I called Mom this morning to help her with her phone bill. She called last month to ask why her bill kept fluctuating, they sent her to loyalty. The guy told her he would giver her two months free. She didn't understand that that also meant an upgrade in service. She keeps flying off the handle and NOT LISTENING then gets everything muddled. THEN wonders why people don't want to talk to her. Hmm... sounds like it's the "me" factor. They're too busy talking, they've turned off the ears and don't take in information. And they're so self centered, they think that what THEY are saying is way more important than what anyone else is saying.

 October 27, 2008

Mom forwarded an email from Bob. (Rolling eyes) Poor Bob, so many bad things have happened to him, waa waa. Oy! Give me a break! We all have trials and tribulations, we all have bad stuff happen to us no. No one’s life is a rose garden. Dawn thinks he's narcissistic. It rather sounds like it. Anyhow, he says he can't stand the constant bickering and stuff, so he's staying away. Okay. I sure won't miss him. He was never around in the first place.

Anita’s in an assisted-living type place in Moses Lake. Guess she's pretty bad. Either that or she's gotten really good at acting. I don't know- I'm not there

Called Mom yesterday. She was crying about everything and everyone. Yeesh. I don't know how she would do over here. She would use the same excuses about getting out... no fun! She doesn't understand how I can be involved in theater instead of centering my life on Martin and Kelsie. I would go NUTS!

(Bob’s email) (I left in all typos, run on sentences and misspelled words)-----------------------------------

I am sorry, but I have not wanted to stay in contact. I saddens me deeply that our family is so childishly retarded and dysfunctional. I was glad to give Bill a ride in comfort to the Hospital, one of many ways I tried to show him respect. I meant no disrespect to him when discussing his smoking and work habits. We do know a lot about health issues and it has not been totally by accident that we have been so healthy. Unfortunately my siblings who treated me like an unintelligent moron that day, made me decide I can not reason with unreasonable people. Therefore I quit trying. All of you know that most my life I was the one trying to get everyone to live and let live, quit judging and fighting and just get along. I felt that there was a certain amount of resentment towards me that I did not deserve and rather than try to discuss it I would rather let it go. I left no doubt in any ones eyes that I could not have been kissing ass in order to look good for the sake of climbing the inheritance ladder. I could not say the same for others. I have never asked for anything but for us to all get along. Everybody else has their hands out and treat me like I'm lucky to have what I have. Luck had nothing to do with that. I have worked hard and have proven my intelligence in some business matters. Regardless, life is hard enough without dealing with sibling rivalry. I threw in the towel, and I am sure they are happy about that. I have never had a greedy bone in my body and what I do is not dictated by, what's in it for me. I can not change anyone or their beliefs and it is sad. Closed minded people are why the world is so screwed up. Maxine can pretend to be so pure and holy, but the fact is she is a hypocrite. All religions teach the same morals!! If everyone followed their own religious teachings then war would become impossible. All teach to not judge, then judge each other to be wrong! AH! Idiots! I will not pick a religion because I do not judge, it is against my own religion. However if anybody's God shows up I'll join them. I will never understand what went wrong with Anita. Enough said. Now as far as Heidi and Martin, dee da dee! They disrespected Hollie and I the most. We honestly tried to help them and they treated us like we were trying to screw them over. RETARDS!!!! We did not know he had a daddy that took care of them. they would not have shit if it wasn't for hand outs. I have sometimes wanted to see them just so I could show them the check for $45000. that we pocketed when we sold that house two Mays ago. That would have been theirs if they had not distrusted us! I really should thank them. I am sure they are counting on inheritance from you too. Then there is you. I am still shocked that, to this day, you have never told me that Bill passed away. That I was not worthy of even knowing or having a chance to say goodbye. My siblings didn't think so either apparently.  Now when Ben passed away and no body told me, I was not surprised. I am sure Anita was there with hands out. I could go on and on but won't. I am not without faults, but greed selfishness and retardation is not among them. I do not know what to say except, WHY? But that would require an answer. It doesn't matter, it's over. I do not wish bad on any of the family and regret hearing about Rebekah. I hope the best for her. I cannot change the past but I refuse to get involved in future childishness behavior that I am sure is going on as we speak.

So explain why nobody felt I deserved to know Bill passed. You can't say that nobody could reach me, because I know nobody tried. There were so many ways that I could have been contacted. I tried to be there as much as I could for Bill when he needed me. Would have been there more had he asked. For God's sake, I named a son after him, I was there for him when his mom passed, and When I drove him to Spokane I really thought it was the last drive he would ever take and wanted him to be comfortable. Yea, I really must have hated him. I am sorry that I could not take it anymore at the hospital. It was mainly due to I hate sitting around, but secondly I could not take the retarded conversations. I thought people were supposed to get smarter as they age. I am not the smartest man in the world but I have learned so much as I have gotten older. I have learned there are a lot of retards. I don't just make shit up. A couple months ago I even doubted my own intelligence so I got online and took a few IQ tests. Thankfully I found my scores were up from ten years ago. I even scored a 140 on one test. There is no shame in being a little slow but Damn it pisses me off when people make shit up or just repeat crap they have heard, but don't even verify it. Oh yea, that includes gossip. Or like when Heidi and Martin believed a FREE bank appraisal result (you get what you pay for) that said our property was worth $2000. less than pay off. They are so stupid, not only did they think we were trying to rob them, they didn't even think, that is a small price for a down payment. Especially since it was daddy's money. But the fact is we tried to tell them a REAL appraisal COSTS MONEY! $400 to $500 back then. Oh and it is based on comparable properties that have sold in your area recently. It changes all the time .They didn't believe us and screwed themselves out of a butt load of money and made us out to bad! Screw them. And when Heidi and Maxine started telling me how a smokers lungs look, I told them the truth! Not all smokers lungs look that way! Some look no different than a non smokers. I don't make shit up! If it is hearsay, I will mention it is only what I've heard. I said nothing disrespectful when I said Bill did not work PHYSICALLY hard!!!! I know what is like to sweat spit and swear! To empty entire concrete trucks one shovel at a time. Jack hammers, sledge hammers, picks and iron bars. to sweat so damn much you don't even piss all day even though you drank gallons of water! What do any of you know about that? I have sweated more than all of you put together! I was saying he didn't do that, nothing more! If any of you ever would have listened to what I said you would understand how the harder you breath the more you clean your lungs! I loved Bill but I am sorry, he was not a physical guy. He didn't work out, play sports, hike or do anything aerobic to clear his lungs and exercise his heart. That is the truth and I got slammed for that? Oh yea, the rest of you haven't either. That could explain a lot of all your health issues. Maybe that's why I got pissed when Maxine tells me I am lucky I have been so healthy. It is not all luck!  Life style plays a big part of health. If you don't work physically work hard you had better count calories!!!! Food makes you fat. And yes, obesity can make your thyroid act up!!!! But no matter how bad your thyroid is, if you have no food.........you can't get fat!  Or when I heard Heidi blaming her asthma on Bills smoking. Boo Hoo, Why didn't the rest of us kids have asthma? You and Bill both smoked when we were young. Wait, it isn't hard to figure this out. Genetics, yep, different dad. Wow that was hard. His smoking may have aggravated her asthma  but it certainly did not cause it!  His genes did. I really am sorry, but when nobody understood simple logic, then they turned on me. What could I do? You can't reason with unreasonable people. I do not find joy in making fun of tards. I actually very much enjoy helping people, sharing whatever knowledge I have acquired. But when you run into a brick wall, turn away. They do not want to know. I have watched our family fight and squabble over the dumbest shit for 50 years. I refuse to be a part of it. I know I am different than most. Not better! but definitely different. I wish I could save the world. But people just like my family makes it impossible. Blinders on, believe whatever hog wash they hear. Selfish and greedy, holier than thoa. Wouldn't recognize the truth even if it hit them in the face. Again, I am sorry I did not want to waste any more of my breath trying to change the unchangeable. So I left. Knowing I was the one being ridiculed, I'm the one being called names, all in order for them to make themselves look better in your eyes, and make themselves more important. Oh yea, and to narrow the future competition for whatever they can get when you finally go. That disgusts me. I found it easier to let it go and leave no question about my motives. I do not want anything you have. The only thing I have ever wanted was for our family to be friends and love each other. I know it will never be. I know you love them and I did not want to tell you how I feel. I really don't hate them and wish them well, but I can't and won't deal with their childish,selfish, immature, illogical and condescending ways. I would tell them to their face but they won't show it. They are glad I am out of the running. The sad part is I know you do not have much, but it is more than they have and they think I don't need any, after all I am lucky and rich. I will always regret not getting to talk to Bill again, but I did not want to disturb him with how I felt. I waited to see if anyone would let me know how he was doing, and most certainly thought if he was on his way out someone would have the decency to let me know. I was wrong. The last couple years have been the hardest in my life for many reasons. I will not go into all of the details but I have to say, if this is as good as it gets, then I'm ready to go. If it were not for Hollie I would be living in a cave far away where nobody could ever find me. I do not like hurting anyone, so I was trying to just let it go quietly. But I felt you deserve to know how I really feel......the others don't give a shit how I feel or they would have apologized long ago. I have never done any of them wrong and the only things I have ever said, I would say to their face. Oh yea, that's why they don't like me. But they have manners, they only talk behind peoples back.   

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" I said nothing disrespectful when I said Bill did not work PHYSICALLY hard!!!! I know what is like to sweat spit and swear! To empty entire concrete trucks one shovel at a time. Jack hammers, sledge hammers, picks and iron bars. to sweat so damn much you don't even piss all day even though you drank gallons of water! "
  
Of his entire letter, THIS is the part that pisses me off the most. My father DID TO work physically hard. He climbed poles, he dug ditches, he worked hard EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. He would come home bone tired, but happy. Happy he worked another day to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.

Bob is a narcissist, too.

Wait, it’ll crop up again later in my story.

Also, DAD didn't want bob, maxine or anita at his bedside when he was dying. I was following HIS wishes.