The apron strings tighten

Feb 20, 1989 

I'm grounded. Debbie brought Darwin (her boyfriend) over to my house last night and we sat and watched TV. Earlier we had gone to the bowling alley to play pool (most of the time I played pinball) and dad had told me nowhere but there. Well, I didn't know that Debbie also wanted me to pick him up. I got grounded for that. Stupid, huh? Now I'm not allowed to go anywhere with Deb "ever again". I can't believe it. Less than a month from my 19th birthday and I'm grounded. It ain't FAIR! Deb is the only friend I have left here and now I can't even go places with her. I can not WAIT to move out! But til then... I guess I'll just have to suffer. Y'know, I think the folks are tightening their grips again.

June 3, 1989 

I'm tired. I took Josh and Trav to graduation last night. And I have another sitting job lined up for tonight, which mom wants me to cancel. But I NEED the money. All I have left is $37. That's it. And after that's gone, that's it, no more. I really need to get a job and find my own place. If I don't get out soon, I'm gonna go crazy. Mom keeps tightening her strings. And I'm about to die from strangulation. I have GOT to find a decent place to live, a good paying job and a halfway decent car so I can quietly move out. Something tells me that that's the only way I will be able to get out. Sigh. I thought parents were supposed to be HAPPY about finally getting rid of their kids, not scheming to try to keep them. I think ma has a serious problem. 

June 8, 1989 

Y'know, I don't believe that mom is ever gonna let go. It's really driving me crazy.

7:14pm

I wish (I wish! I wish!!! But they never come true!!) that she would try to understand. But NO MATTER WHAT!!! I AM moving out in September. I'm gonna work my butt off to earn enough money to get my own place. But then I'll have to find a job in Tri-Cities.

June 21, 1989

I keep thinking about the phrase I wrote on the cover: "A wish is a desire without an attempt." I wish I could move to Tri-Cities but if I make the attempt, Mom will get mad. *Sigh!* There's no winning no matter what I do. Too bad I don't still have to go to Pasco every day. I miss going every day. If I was there, I could call this number and check it out. I doubt the folks would let me do it long distance and if it didn't work out, the number would still be on the bill and Mom would give me the third degree about it. Why can't she just let me go?!? She wants to get rid of me so badly but she WON'T LET GO!!! Why couldn't I have been born to a more understanding mom? Why does she have to make it so hard on me. It's slowing droving me CRAZY! But what can I Do? If I don't try for it, I'm a lazy bum. If I do try for it, I'm a big meanie who doesn't love my mommy and daddy. I GIVE UP!

June 22, 1989 

ARGH! I wish I could call about the house keeping job! I think it would be good for me, I could get OUT of Othello, WA. But would Mom let me move? I doubt it. 

July 5, 1989 

I've GOT to get out. They're both driving me crazy. And now my car is acting funny so I couldn't just load up a bunch of my stuff and leave. I just can't seem to get out of this rut that they keep pulling me into. I NEED to get out of Othello. If it wasn't for school, I'd go live with Cortina, but since she might be moving to Hawaii with her cousins... that's out. If I could just find a live in housekeeping job... but I'd have to call long distance. And I know that as soon as mom finds out, she'll try to tell me that it's not a good idea. I hate her! I hate her for always trying to keep me here. I am NOT her slave. But how can I get out? Without money, it's almost impossible. And with a busted down car, it's even more impossible. I feel like a prisoner. What am I saying?!? I AM a prisoner! There's no way out!

1:52pm

I want to do something that I'd be happy with. But she just can't understand that. I try and she shoots me down. I went and applied for that job at Cabana (motel) and the lady told me that they might have to hire someone else since I'll be going back to school in Sept. I need to get a job in the Tri-cities. That way I can go to school and still work. But mom is so damn selfish. She wants me to stay here in the Hell-hole. Why can't she just let me go? WHY?!?!

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I wasn’t allowed to call long distance. If a number showed up on the bill, guess what? Yup. Grounded.

And once classes were over and it was summer break, I was once again forced to stay home. I looked around for a job in town, but once they figured out that I would be quitting in September to go back to college, they weren’t interested. I wound up working out at Bruce again, packaging potatoes. $3.35 an hour, time and a half if it went into over time. And there was quite a bit of over time. I managed to make about $3,000 that summer, enough to move out.

And guess who wasn’t happy about that?

My mother most definitely was NOT wanting me to move out.