On the bright side: No one to talk to

Jan 1, 1988 7:52pm

I wish I had someone to talk to about college and about getting out on my own. I get so scared about graduation and I shouldn't be. And mom's not really helping any by treating me like a 15 year old. She won't always be able to go shopping with me, but she thinks that if she doesn't let me grow up, it'll never happen. I don't know. I just don't know. I'm scared shitless about growing up, Mom don't WANT me to grow up, I don't have anybody I can talk to about my feelings...

Jan 14, 1988

I am in such deep shit, it's a wonder I'm alive. Now I know why I wanted school to be called off for Monday. I wrecked my car. I tried to go through a snow bank and my front tires got stuck. Deb and I got out to dig the tires out and this guy came up and said, "Here, let me give you a push." I told him to wait until I get back in the car, but he didn't. The car ran into Riiki's car. Mom is still pissed off. She chewed me out four hours straight Monday, two and a half Tuesday and about an hour yesterday. She didn't get near me today (thank God). I wish she would just realize that the damage is done and there's no way to go back and fix it. Mom has got the whole thing so exaggerated that is isn't funny. I feel like I'm grounded for life (I probably am). I have to beg to go anywhere. I'm surprised I don't get just bread and water for meals. I feel so bad about it already, but mom still goes into hysterics. Like I told Deb, I feel like a puppy that peed on the floor; Mom keeps rubbing my nose in it. I hope I get to spend Sunday night at Melissa's. I also have the speech tourney this weekend. Mom will probably tell me I have to stay home Sunday and Monday (no school Monday). That would be just like her. It's times like these that I HATE my own mother. I wish I could just tell her to fuck off and leave me alone!

Jan 17, 1988

I want to get out of this house. I asked if I could go over to Melissa's and almost got my head chopped off. I'm thinking about getting dressed and just going for a walk. But I don't know what mom and dad would do. I guess I could try.

April 4, 1988 12:43 pm

Well, so far my spring break has been the pits. I can't go anywhere or do anything. It's worse than being grounded. I refuse to help with the kids. <My niece and nephew Angie and Willie were visiting> I remember the last time they were over, Mom was constantly on my ass. Now that I refuse to help her with them, she's still on my ass. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I never win. Especially when they're here. When they're around, mom doesn't care what I feel. I don't exist when they're here.

I guess she's pissed because I won't play with the kids. Tough shit! I don't feel like playing with stupid Angie who pinches and throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her way. I refuse! I, as of now, quit the job of being babysitter. Just because my mom wants a break. She wanted them over, therefore it's her job to take care of them! I quit!

_________________________

When I crashed the car, I knew I would never hear the end of it. And I didn't. She had a legitimate reason to chew me out and ground me and she was HAPPY about that. In her mind she had proof that I was an awful kid. If I was a good kid, I wouldn't have wrecked the car. And because she had this proof, people started believing the other stories she told.

3. She favoritizes. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault.

17. She "parentifies." She also gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been a primary caregiver for young siblings or an incapacitated parent.

Whenever my nieces, nephew or cousins were over, either I was forced to be babysitter or ignored completely. As it said in the journal entry, she wanted me to come play with the kids so she could have a break. When I did take care of them, I couldn't do anything right. But if I left, locked myself in my room or otherwise withdrew, I would get yelled at. I couldn't win.

This was especially frustrating because I actually adored my nieces, nephew and cousins. I tried to spend as much time as I could with them:

My cousins Christina and Sherrie: