Still in her clutches

December 30, 1988

Boy I am so mad I can spit bullets! I'm gonna have to wait until next weekend to move, probably (because Debra has already left), I'm sicker than a cow.
I'm getting pissed off at her !!! She won't make the kids behave and they are totally demolishing the house. They keep coming in here and I'm getting VERY disgusted!! Dammit! Max KNEW that those kids were sick, but she came anyhow. She also knew that I was trying to move before the 3rd. But she still came. She came in here yesterday and asked me "Aren't you supposed to be moved before the 3rd?" I told her "Yes, but before I move I have to take care of all the paperwork. That's what we were planning on taking care of this weekend, the paperwork." 

Jan 2, 1989

Mom and Dad don't think that I should move yet.

Well, so much for that. I tried to talk it over with my mom again... I guess you can figure out what she said.

Feb 1, 1989 

I HATE that bitch! She absolutely REFUSES that I go to school today! Well, whoopee fucking do! If I could, I'd take my car. But I think dad took the damn thing to work. Mom (the BITCH) won't let me use her car, "No way in hell!" But Mommy dear, you bitch, we aren't in hell. It's 20 degrees below zero, how CAN we be in Hell? You bitch.

I wish I had went ahead and moved.
I'd have more time for drama (In other words, I could try out for plays!) and also, I wouldn't have to put up with the bitch whenever the weather got a little cold. I'd be right there close, and there wouldn't be ANY excuse not to go except that I might be sick. I wish Max had never come. I'd be down there by now and I wouldn't have to live with this bitch who thinks she knows every fucking thing there is to know. I wouldn't have to listen to her "OH MY GOD! it is SO BAD out there!" And it's only cloudy.
Shit, if I stayed home every fucking time it was cloudy, I'd NEVER make it. It's all her fault I'm missing today. If she had just let me move... I wouldn't be here. The BITCH. I hate her fucking guts. It's not even that bad outside. So it's snowing. Big deal. I can't let a few measly snowflakes ruin my life. Here she comes (the bitch). I think I'll try to lose myself in a book. Either that, or I could kill the bitch. I wonder if I could finish college from prison?

Feb 3, 1989 

I'll kill her before the weekend is over if she doesn't chill out. I SWEAR it! I haven't been to school since Tuesday. One more day and I'll be dropped. Mom doesn't think it's any big deal; that I could just start all over. But it's not that easy. I'd have to pay back the financial aid AND pay for next quarter myself. I don't have that kind of money. If I did, I wouldn't be worried about financial aid. Y'know, I think mom would be HAPPY if I dropped out of school, or was kicked out. She would absolutely LOVE it!! She always has been jealous of me. I HATE it when she gets so darn jealous of me. 

Feb 5, 1989 

Well, it looks like I get to go to school tomorrow. FINALLY! I can't WAIT!

The thing of it is: Mom doesn't want me to work. If I keep taking days off, they're gonna fire me. Then I'll have to search around for another job. She just doesn't understand the importance of a job. She thinks I can survive on nothing. I wish it were true. Save me some money! But it's not true. By far! But what am I to do? Nothing. Because as long as I'm living under her roof, I have to abide by her rules. Boy, I can't WAIT to move out! IF she ever lets me. I came so close this last time. But thanks to Max and the stooges, that chance is long gone. 

Feb 6, 1989 

Oh, why can't mom realize that I'm not a child anymore? I should be able to make MY OWN decisions! But she won't let me and it's beginning to piss me off. She doesn't realize how important that job is to me. She wants me to take another week off! I couldn't believe it when she said last night, "Now, you are to get right home after your last class! None of this working or fooling around." I wish so much that I could move out. But I know she's not going to let me, now. I will be forever stuck in her clutches. It's hopeless. If I ever get married, she'll probably move in with us... I wouldn't put it past her to want to sleep in the same room!

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Hindsight being 20/20, I now realize that it was probably my mother's doing that Maxine and the Three Stooges came to stay with us that weekend. Yes, Maxine knew that I needed to get things lined up to move out, but our mother convinced her to come as an excuse to avoid my moving. And Maxine, being in the same narcissist’s web, had to do as she was told/demanded to stay on the good side of our mother. She was a flying monkey.

In the last blog entry I started to explain how my mother would find excuses for me to not go to college. Feb 1st of 1989, Othello was hit with a snow storm. It was decently bad, I will admit that. But it was localized. The weather reports from Tri-Cities didn't mention snow. When I did finally get to go back to school on Feb 6th, the snow line was at Scootney Park, a whopping 12 miles outside of town.
 

When I tried to explain to my teachers that I had been snowed in and that my mother wouldn't let me leave the house, they looked at me in disbelief. One teacher scoffed at me and said, "You let you mother rule your life? GROW UP!" I thought to myself, "You don't know my mother."

My mother didn't like that I also had a job through Work Study/Financial Aid. She insisted that I skip work to get home as soon as my last class was done. Not only did that mess up my Financial Aid, I didn't have time to use the college resources to do my school work nor did I have time to talk to teachers for some extra help. I suck at math and algebra is NOT my friend. I barely passed that class because I couldn't talk to the teacher for extra help or get extra tutoring. I would tell my mother this, but she INSISTED that I get home "so I don't worry!"

She would have loved it if I had thrown in the towel with college. I stuck with it, though, because I knew there was nothing in my hometown for me. I didn't want to be stuck in a minimum wage dead-end job that went no where. I wanted more education, more training, more LIFE. 

 “A narcissistic mother wants complete and total control over her daughter’s life, especially when the daughter is at the point in life when she wants to establish independence and autonomy. Her narcissistic mother will sabotage her daughter’s freedom any chance she can. She is ruthless and relentless.”

“There are different ways narcissistic mothers keep their daughters dependent on them to maintain this source of narcissistic supply. Below are two common tactics of the narcissistic parent.”

“Parentification: The narcissistic mother expects her daughter to take care of her when it should be the other way around. The daughter is made to feel responsible for the mother’s physical and emotional needs. These needs can range from an unfair share of cooking and cleaning to playing therapist while her mother talks about her relationships, sex life, and other issues. These are much bigger roles than any child should have to take on, but a narcissistic mother does not care. She only cares about her own wants and needs.”

“Infantilization: Never being allowed to explore her own autonomy, her daughter is kept vulnerable, naive, and scared of the world and being on his or her own. A narcissistic mother will brainwash her child into thinking the world is a cruel place in which one would never be able to survive on one’s own. This leads a child to never feel safe and fear leaving the support of the narcissistic mother, even though they may be miserable.”

http://www.narcissisticmother.com/daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers

My mother was more in the “Infantilization” camp. She most definitely did NOT want me to move out.