Cemeteries and Spies

September, 5, 1988 10:38 pm

I can't wait til I can get my own place. Mom and Dad were getting on my case because Jean and I went for a walk. We left around 5:00 pm and didn't get back until 7:45 pm or so. I had hoped that the folks were starting to realize that I'm old enough to more or less be "on my own". Well, my dream was shattered today.

Sept 16, 1988 5:52 pm

I can't wait until I start <college> because mom doesn't know anyone there she can ask to spy on me. But, give her credit and time, she'll find someone. I wish I could afford my own place. Mom has really been getting on my case lately. She expects me to be so damn perfect. I wouldn't be so screwed up about leaving home if it weren't for her. Thanks, mom! I've got to find a VERY good hiding place for this. If she were to ever get a hold of it, she'd probably send me to a Christian Girl's School.

November, 13, 1988 6:02 pm

God, I hate my mom right now. I lost the gas cap to my car and she's having a cow. I feel so sorry for my dad right now. He's having to listen to her gripe. See, I'm supposed to take my car to school tomorrow <college was an hour drive away> so mom can have her car to meet Max in Moses Lake. I feel so awful, though. She doesn't think it will make it without a gas cap. Dad put the bottom part of a pop can on it and it seems to be working. Just for tomorrow it should be okay. We went out looking for it, but couldn't find it anywhere. Yep, she's still complaining. I'm in my room with my headphones turned up to almost full blast so I can't hear her unless I take them off.

November, 27, 1988 8:17 pm

Ya know, I really do think my mom is jealous of me. I think she WOULD like me to quit school <college>. But I'm not going to. No way!

Decemebr 5, 1988 8:11 am

Oh, God, what a day today is going to be. I will REALLY be shocked if mom and I don't kill each other by the end of the day. I should be about 15 miles away from Pasco right now. But thanks to the weather, I get to put up with my sweet mommy for the day. Oh, God, get me OUT of this house!! PLEASE !!! I can't STAND listening to her one more time: "I even called the police station, and they said it is REALLY bad out there!!!!" Arrggghhhh!!!!! <It was snowing, and she didn’t think I should go to school, though my Dad went to work in it.>

December 10, 1988 8:05 am

Well, we're going to see my (hopefully) future home. I think Mom is in a bad mood, but at least Jean is going. She'll help keep the peace.

6:47 pm

I think I should go for it. Mom didn't like it <the apartment> because it wasn't very clean (it needs a good vacuuming) and because of this and because of that; you know how mom is. 

Uh oh, Mom is "discussing" with Dad again. She wants me to be closer to school yet she doesn't want her baby to move out either. It's times like these when I hate her. Why did I have to have mom for a mother? And why can't she just quietly let go. Because I am the youngest. I have to learn how to live on my own somehow. And why can't she let me fulfill my dreams? Because she never had hers come true? It's not MY fault she was married and pregnant at the ripe old age of 15.

_____________________________

My mother had spies all through out town. How do I know this? People talked. How did I avoid it? Easy... go where there are no eyes: My haunting ground was the cemetery. Good old Bess Hampton Memorial Garden. Hardly anyone ever went out there. Most thought it was creepy to hang out there. Not me. It was quiet, cool in the shade and no one bothered me.
Mostly I would sit on my Papa's grave and either read a library book or write in my journal.

To get out to the cemetery unnoticed, I would take a round about route. I mostly knew who the spies were, where they lived, their schedule, etc. It wasn't hard to know all this in a town of about 5,000 people.

So I lost the gas cap to my Gremlin. How many other people have lost the gas cap? Quite a few. Did the car blow up? No. Was I able to get a new one? Yes. Was it the end of the world? According to my mother it was. Again, she took it personally, as if I did it on purpose, just to make her life miserable. 

She hated that I drove an hour to college and would find reasons to keep me home. She hated that I was going to college!
"It's raining too hard!"
"It's snowing too hard!"
"It's below freezing!"
"It's too windy!"

What she didn't understand was that Tri-Cities didn't necessarily have the same weather going on. She would look outside, see three snowflakes and declare that the entire eastern side of the state was in a blizzard, when in reality, 7 miles out of town, there wasn't any snow. 

In the next post, you'll see what I'm talking about.

I was so screwed up about moving out on my own. I knew I didn't have all the skills needed to move out (I barely knew how to cook and run the washer because she wouldn't let me do those chores), but I also knew I needed to get AWAY from her.
At first, when I set up appointments to go look at places, she would sabotage it.
She would “forget” that we had an appointment. So I’d make another appointment.
Then she would get sick. So I’d make another appointment.

She would call around asking anyone if they needed me to babysit and schedule me at the same time as the appointment. So I’d make another appointment.

And her last ditch effort was to invite people over.
After that, she knew she couldn’t get out of it.
BUT, no matter what place we went to look at for my future home, it just was not good enough.
"I don't want you to have roommates!"
"This place is FILTHY!"
"I saw a spider web! I bet that place is INFESTED with bugs!"
"That place didn't have (a washer/dryer, dishwasher, AC, carpeting, etc)!"
"I didn't like the looks of the neighborhood!"
"It's too far away from the college!"

Looking back, I can see she was jealous. She had a baby at 15, 17 and 18 and was divorced by 21. If she treated her first husband the same way she treated me, I can understand why he left. It's tough to live with someone who nit picks you to death.

She had to grow up and FAST. A mother can't be selfish; the baby has to come first most of the time. She never got the chance to be a teenager. So when I hit 15, she just did NOT understand me. She lived vicariously through me, seeing everything that she missed- hanging out with friends, going to parties, living a mostly carefree life. 

At one point, she lamented that she never graduated. So I offered to help her get her GED. I don't remember where I got the study books from, but two pages in, she threw it down and declared she was just too stupid. I felt pity for her. And frustration. Dad was the one that taught me to not give up when it got tough. I didn't learn that from her. I'm just glad I didn't learn how to give up from her. 

Thank you, Dad, for teaching me to persevere and not give up when the going got tough.

If it weren't for him, I would probably still be living at home, under her thumb. 

Characteristics of a narcissistic mother

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html 

1. Everything she does is deniable

2. She violates your boundaries

3. She favoritizes

4. She undermines

5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates

6. She makes you look crazy.

7. She's envious

8. She's a liar in too many ways to count.

9. She has to be the center of attention all the time.

10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain.

11. She's selfish and willful.

12. She's self-absorbed.

13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism.

14. She terrorized.

15. She's infantile and petty.

16. She's aggressive and shameless.

17. She "parentifies."

18. She's exploitative.

19. She projects.

20. She is never wrong about anything.

21. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings.

22. She blames.

23. She destroys your relationships.

24. As a last resort she goes pathetic.